It’s easy to lead when you’re sailing in calm seas and fair winds. Things are going well, projects progress on time, the clients are nice, the team members are happy, and you get to be the bearer of continuous good news and praise. But sooner or later, the winds will turn, and something unpleasant will come up. Some parts of the project are late, a client gets upset, one team member is not performing well, and someone is behaving badly. Leadership is truly measured in these moments.
Before long, even the best of collegial, customer, or employer-employee relationships run into a challenge. Because we’re all individuals with different values and ways of working, it’s inevitable. Being a lead requires you to step up and take responsibility in these situations – and vice versa; stepping up and taking responsibility in these situations makes you a lead.
What if I break something?
The more we care about people and their feelings, the more we want to avoid having difficult discussions. We wish we could just be happy and in agreement all the time with everybody. We think over and over if we could somehow get around the problem without having to bring it up. It’s very common and human not to want to expose yourself or the other to what feels like a potential torment.
We fear starting difficult conversations because we don’t want to destroy the peace, the harmony, and the relationship. We fear that by opening the discussion, something might permanently break. The other could get upset, feel insulted, get all emotional, start to dislike us, no longer want to cooperate with us, shut down, or get very difficult. They might not accept what we need to tell them, and what are we going to do then?
There’s no denying some or even all of these might happen, especially in the first moments of the discussion. Still, more often than not, this is not the end of the conversation nor the end result. It’s just a phase, and once we get the conversation going, it’s going to evolve.
Even in difficult conversations, we have the possibility to make the other feel heard and valued. We have the possibility to steer the conversation. We’re not helpless and at the mercy of the waves of the conversation. The better we learn to handle these, the more likely the conversation will find its way to a peaceful ending.
Difficult conversations make the relationship stronger
Taking on difficult conversations becomes much easier when we find internal motivation to have them. If we feel that the prize for having a difficult conversation is great enough, it gives us the motivation to begin. So what if we could convince ourselves that difficult conversations are, in fact, a blessing in disguise? What if we knew that successful difficult conversations end up strengthening the relationship instead of weakening it?
When we go through tough topics in a respectful conversation, we end up building more trust. When we engage in a difficult conversation, we prove to one another that we won’t give up easily. Come what may, we give each other the possibility to talk it through and find a way forward together. We’re not here only for the fun and easy parts; we’re here for the tough and difficult parts as well.
Every difficult conversation is an incredible possibility to strengthen the relationship. It’s a way better opportunity to build a relationship than when everything is just fine. Storm is a test; if the ship passes, it feels safer to sail on.
Before hardship, we’re not sure whether we’ll stick with one another through thick and thin. After the first difficult conversation, we know.