It’s not a sign of a good relationship that it doesn’t have any disagreements ever. It’s a sign of a good, strong relationship when the disagreements are constructive and fruitful. Disagreements don’t have to be aggressive, and they don’t have to be emotionally threatening or disrespectful. Of course, we’re fallible human beings, and sometimes, we slip into unconstructive behaviors. Still, we can work towards having better and better arguments.
We can do ourselves a huge favor by expecting the unexpected already from the start. We can expect that at some point, we’re going to run into a challenge with most of the people in our lives. We can expect that sooner or later we need to disagree or disappoint, bring up something the other doesn’t want to hear, or have an otherwise difficult conversation.
We should build safety and trust to prepare for difficult conversations long before they happen and set ground rules and goals. These make it much easier to bring up hard things later on.
Safety and trust
Building safety and trust happens in everyday moments that often pass by unnoticed. The moments before the meeting starts when we exchange greetings and learn new things about each other. The moments when we help each other and reach out with a question. The moments we listen empathetically and show compassion. Safety and trust are built by getting to know our people and understanding what makes them unique.
The hostage negotiator Richard Mullender has said: “We do business with people we trust and like. And we trust the people we like.” So it pays off to think for a moment, do we like one another? Being likable doesn’t mean we have to change who we are or act out of character. It just means assessing whether we’ve been kind and nice, and if not, could we be? This is also why it’s good to have parties and unofficial gatherings where people can have fun and enjoy each other's company.
An impactful way to build trust is to make a person know we have their back. We show genuine interest in what their strengths and ambitions are. We try our best to help them be the best version of themselves. We help them out in tough times. If they know we have their best interest at heart, they take more from us than they would from somebody else.
The stronger and closer the relationship, the better it can withstand the waves of difficult conversations. Though it doesn’t make the discussion easy, and the more we like the person, the more we fear that the difficult conversation might break things. Yet when we truly believe we need to say something in order for them, us, or the whole team to succeed, the more likely they are to agree with our assessment in the end.
Ground rules and goals
One thing we often don’t pay enough attention to is setting ground rules and common goals with the people we work with – both within and outside of our team. If we haven’t agreed on how we want to work and act as a team, it’s hard to say something when people are not meeting our expectations. If there aren’t any ground rules, what do we refer to when we think somebody isn’t reaching the standards?
Coming up with the rules together
The ground rules can be called the code of conduct, a playbook, the house rules, a culture handbook, project rules, an employee handbook, golden rules, company etiquette, or a team agreement. Regardless of the name, the idea is that the team comes up with these rules together instead of somebody deciding on the rules and imposing them on the team. When the team participates in the creation of the rules, the buy-in is much higher.
The ground rules can cover a variety of things:
In which channels and how you want to communicate
What is the basic etiquette in meetings (both online and offline)
How are disagreements handled
How are decisions made
What each team member commits to
What is expected and hoped behavior
What kind of behavior is not tolerated
When there is a unified, agreed way of working it’s easier for the team members to say if somebody is breaking these rules. The same goes for team and project goals. When the team has agreed on what the goals and deadlines are, it’s easier to say whether somebody isn’t performing up to the agreement. This can also be covered by defining roles and responsibilities or, for example defining what done, ready, or good means to the team members or in the current project.
Sometimes we think things are clear, and then it turns out that they haven’t been. Then it’s time to go back to the agreement and re-agree to it and to double-check we understand the phrases and terms the same way. When there's a clear understanding of what is expected of the team members, it makes talking about deviations a lot easier.
Summary of Leadership in difficult conversations
In the first chapter, we learned that having difficult conversations comes with the job and that they’re actually blessings in disguise.
Taking responsibility in difficult situations and bringing up hard topics to discuss makes us leaders.
Different conversations are difficult for different people. Most difficult conversations have to do with the need to disappoint or deny, to change or course-correct somebody, or to bring bad news.
If we accept that difficult conversations are inevitable, we can start to prepare for them well in advance.
Having strong working relationships, building trust and safety, and having clear ground rules and common goals within the team helps to have these conversations later on.
Having constructive and fruitful difficult conversations is a possibility for us to make the relationships stronger.